In a move that has left his cronies and sheeple dumbfounded, President Obama has announced a 5-Point Plan to thwart domestic terrorism and stimulate the economy.
First, he will cut the TSA budget to fund infrastructure and training projects that will provide gun ranges and gun safety and shooting classes for every town in the country. The President cited Switzerland’s low gun violence record as an example, where all citizens are expected to retain their military weapon after service.
Second, all “soft targets” will be eliminated by permitting concealed carry permit holders to carry anywhere they choose. The President stated that he found it oddly coincidental that all of the mass shootings around the world occurred where guns are not permitted. Fired TSA agents that prove they can walk and chew gum at the same time will be reassigned as security guards at public “soft targets” (i.e. schools, churches, movie theatres, malls, etc.).
Third, the President said that guns will never be made illegal, because the FBI told him that criminals and terrorist care less about the law than Congress. To drive home his point, the President said that all drugs will also be made legal, claiming it was the underground economy, inflated profits, and the lack of judicial recourse that was the cause for Frontier Justice.
Fourth, all NSA assets that were used for acquiring everyone’s personal data will be put to work with FBI personnel involved in entrapment and false flag operations to hand build a secure wall at the Mexican boarder and process illegals. The remaining 10% of NSA personnel will coordinate with the FBI and CIA to profile and actually track the suspicious characters on their watch list. The President said that local law enforcement will also be a tremendous help, as he was shutting down their speed traps, red light camera, and civil asset forfeiture revenue gambits, and redirecting all the personnel to actually thwarting violent crime.
Fifth, the President heard from his buddy and Chicago Mayor, Rahm Emanuel, that high crime cities and highly violent regions of the world were also the most economically deprived, and run by corrupt politicians. In conversations with Joe the Plumber and Rosie the Riveter, the President also learned that govt debt, taxes, fees, and syndicated healthcare where destroying economies and incomes. Therefore, through Executive Order the President will implement term limits of one term for Congress; and start his own version of Trading Places, by actually prosecuting high-level execs and bureaucrats, and releasing non-violent prisoner. The IRS, Education Dept, and a half-dozen other departments will be sent to the Middle East, under the leadership of the President’s Senior Advisor, Valerie Jarrett, to see if they can jump start their Socialist Utopia. The President said he will set an example by heading up a new embassy in Benghazi.
The President hopes these moves will teach his staff to never again interrupt his Sunday morning golf outings.